Crash and Burn and Guilty Feelings....

So....this whole ordeal started about a month ago...and it's just escalated since then. I'm getting stress headaches like once a day....and I've barely had a day where everything just went smoothly.

David and I went on vacation in NY and NYC. The part where it was just David and myself was wonderful, but seeing my family for the first time in almost 4 years and dealing with those feelings was a bit of a mess. My Dad and Jean are pretty okay to deal with, though admittedly I was nervous about David meeting them (we grew up in two completely different environments). It would have been okay if it weren't for the problems with my sister--
I don't like my sister. I have very little respect for her and the person she has become and the choices she has made. Ever since we were younger she had my parents wrapped around her little finger and as they went through their separation she manipulated them against each other in order to get the attention she wanted among other things. The last time I visited NY she essentially told me she wished I'd never come to visit and that she was happier with me gone. She was actually mad because my visit took the attention away from her....it was horrible.
Well, my sister is actually younger than me and choosing to get married among other things and apparently she's just a mess, and my Dad and Jean are sitting there with myself and David at dinner pleading with me to talk to her, and to support her and help her fix her problems.

And I just sat there wanting to cry and trying my damndest not to. My sister is mentally abusive and the last few years of living in NY were absolute hell trying to deal with her. She has done nothing to ever make me want to be her friend or support structure and yet for years I tried. I did my best to shape her up, offer advice and steer her to a better path and yet she not only spurned me, she went out of her way to hurt me. I gave up.

At times its like my parents have never forgiven me for leaving NY when I was 16 and "running away" from the problems our family was going through at that point in time. I had been drowning there amidst the stress and emotions and hatred and dying to get free. So I did. The best choice I ever made. And yet I know, its probably my own inability to forgive myself that makes me feel guilt. Add that to my parents constantly using me as a mediator in their disputes and their own personal therapist....it's no wonder I have trouble dealing with them.

So....after a reprieve in NYC, it was back to California and the apprehension of my Mother coming to visit for a week. This was what I was truly worried about. My mother is severely co-dependent and often manic depressive. When things in her life are going well, she'll do okay, but when they are going wrong she's an absolute mess and I'm the one usually called to fix it. Luckily, she was at a good point and on her best behavior....but even so....it felt like a disaster.

I don't like spending time with my mom. I can't be the good daughter she wants to be. I don't want to hear all the stories about when I was little and when I did this and that and this and that. I have a hard time dealing with her and I know a big part of it is my fault. I'm too used to her using my to dump on that when things are going well I can't just enjoy it. So I went out of my way to do things for my mom while she was in town but still ended up feeling guilty as hell because I have such a hard time being in her presence for a long amount of time.

Way to be a horrible person, right?

And that damn guilt has lasted since she left mid August and now school has started. Work is not giving me enough hours to pay my bills, financial aid got cut BIG time and I'm having trouble getting money for school to compensate for lack of work.

My car is DYING. She's maybe got a month left in her before she kicks the bucket. She needs a whole bunch of work done thats more than she is worth. So now I need to find a new car and see about getting rid of this one for at least some money.

My permanent disability limit has been set....which in a sense is really beating at me. I have a permanent 25lb lifting restriction. PERMANENT. It's actually depressing me a little....okay...a lot. I had such high hopes for my shoulder, and while the surgery certainly did help, its no where near what it used to be. It pisses me off because if it had just been treated properly the first time the likely-hood that these complications wouldn't exist is about 90%. My shoulder could have just healed properly the first time. So now I'm stuck with a permanent disability of sorts that effecting my work a lot more than I thought it would. I can't do any of the special events that bring in extra money from their long hours and some other shifts that require no limitations. So even though I have higher seniority...I'm not allowed to do the work and lose out on the hours. It really fucking sucks.

At this point I realize I have no choice but to push forth with my back up plan to teach a lot sooner than I ever planned. My whole life has been rearranged because of this injury.

I'm guilt-ridden, frustrated, sore, broke, almost carless, pissed off and tired.

It's a hell of a combination. And I have homework to do.

Fuck.

Sio