Life or something like it....

So....I'm posting again. It's been a while. I think a part of me is doing this because Nick told me to (ordered actually) and another part of me is doing this because maybe I've finally figured out what I want to say.

Except I still really don't know what to say. It's odd writing out something you know either no one or everyone will see. What do you disclose? What is too much? Will I write something that actually affects someone? Or will I just write some stupid prittle-prattle that drops my level of respect in the eyes of my peers ten-fold. All-in-all, it actually seems somewhat silly. And I know for a fact I'm over-thinking everything. The worst thing about the internet is of course that there's no such thing as privacy. What happens in real life--end up on youtube.com. Or facebook, blogspot, myspace, etc.

So really there's no safe haven to write about the way I feel or the way things effect me, unless its a tucked away paper journal somewhere in my house that hoards my thoughts hopes and dreams and fears in the safety of paper and ink. Let's face it, even your computer can get hacked so that's not really safe either. Shit...paper can get stolen, scanned and reposted everywhere...soooooo...really just suck it up, keep it inside and prey not to explode???

There's a lot going on in my life. David and I have almost made it to the two year mark, and will surpass it at the end of this month. We're spending our anniversary in NY and NYC and he gets to meet my parents for the first time. I'm actually nervous as hell. My family can be...overwhelming at best. Perhaps, suicide-inducing at the worst. I figure if we make it through this summer we may be okay.

But there are a lot of other changes to survive as well. I finally made a decision about school. I'm going to try applying to the MA/PhD program at UCI for my PhD in Theatre History. A lot of thought went into this decision. It's 5 more years of schooling, but when I'm done I'll have my PhD before I'm 30 and be in a good position to begin teaching and actually be able to FIND a job by the time I'm done. I'm ridiculously nervous though. I may not get accepted, my area of study may not be what they are looking for, and I may not know where to go from there. I want to further study the development of theatre technology and theatre architecture throughout history. The uniqueness of the subject could either help or hinder my entrance into the program.

It's not just that though. I have to count on David being able to be okay with me being in school for that much longer. My being in school hasn't been easy on him. I'm not home often, I'm stressed out, money is tight, housework is hard to keep up with on 3 hrs of sleep with 10 hours of homework left to do. I'm deeply terrified he may not be able to handle it. Yet it's a risk I have to take, for me, and hope for the best--believing that what we have is as strong as I believe it to be, and that this is one more trial in life we can overcome.

It's a lot to consider.

Other than that, just trying to make it one day at a time. Turns out I'm just as socially awkward as ever. You know Elliot from Scrubs? I feel like her. She's pretty and has potential, but amazingly socially backward. She's on the outside looking in, praying to be including, wanting to find a place among the people she would like to think of as friends, and yet she doesn't quite fit in. Of course, in TV land, even while she's still socially awkward and at odds with the world in general, she finds a place for herself among the group of people, becoming an endearing, well loved member of the group, even if she is still occasionally a little odd. That's me. Only, I don't think I've found a place yet. And the more I try, the more I feel set back, and less inclined I am to believe it's worth the effort anymore. And so I figure maybe I'll just stop trying at all, and see what happens.

I don't want to be needy, annoying or a burden. I just want a family among my friends. I want people I can count on for a night out or a weekend out of town. I want people I can call on when I just need some friends. Mostly, I just want friends who remember me when a party is thrown, when a meeting has been called for drinks and beer, and when impromptu trips are planned I would love an invite, even when I can't go. I want to feel like part of the family. And maybe I'm just not there yet. I don't know. Maybe it just needs to stop being important to me, it stops needing to matter, and maybe then it will just happen on it's own.

I don't know. I always though it was important to make time for my friends, no matter how busy I was, but maybe it's time to just focus on other things and let all the cards fall where they may.

I love my friends. I invite them to dinner, drinks, movies, and trips. I want to share experiences with them and support them when they need it. And I really just want a little of the same.

So for now, I'm just not going to expect anything from anyone but myself (and maybe David since he's a different story). This way I can just enjoy the pleasant surprises, if they happened, when they come and not sit around waiting for them.

And who knows if this actually made any sense. I don't even know why any of this matters. This post was not meant to point fingers or be mean, but obviously it will be misconstrued and insulting to others at their own will. Or maybe I'll be surprised and it will just be what it is, a venting of frustration and a pondering of thoughts. That's really all it is. I'm frustrated and a little upset by things were most likely never meant to get to me. That's just life. We misunderstand, we analyze, pick apart, drive ourselves crazy, learn from our mistakes and then get over it.

Consider this me getting over it. I know, probably a lot more than you asked for Nick, but probably also why I haven't written in the longest time.

Hope everyone else is holding it all together.