Suffering a crisis in confidence...

So much going on in my head with very few places to vent and very few ways to reassure myself. It's a sad sad thing, but being out with my shoulder again brings the last time this all happened right to the front of my memory. And the last time was pure hell in ways I can't describe. 6 months of misery, depression, loneliness and the loss of many friends who were never really friends. A rude awakening and a crushing slap in the face of reality at the same time. While things are different this time, it's hard to not want to fall back into that same patters of depression and anger.

Even with all the support David is offering and how wonderful he's been, it's hard when you're home alone most of the time. understand most of my friends are crazy busy, but it'd still be nice to hear from them every now and then. I don't see most of them unless I'm at work, and since that's not happening right now...well...yeah. As I mentioned, a crisis of confidence. I know they all care, but its hard to not remember all the times I'm not invited to join along or asked to go out with everyone because they forgot. Makes me think it's all the easier to be forgotten now that I'm really not around at all. Pathetic.

Even so, it is somewhat upsetting when you realize you really need your friends around by they don't have the time. And while it's all completely understandable, it's easy to be irrational when you're suffering from cabin fever, high amounts of pain and a complete lack of patience for anything. Add the fact that I'm starting to doubt my own ability to do what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I'm just having a tough time at it all. Rationality and sanity are not too high on my list right now lately, apparently.

And will someone please convince David that getting me a kitten for Christmas would be a great idea?

So what do you do when everything seems to be crumbling? And how to reconcile the fact that I feel guilty even feeling this way. David has been so amazing. He's offered me all the love and support I need right now, and yet sometimes it's not just enough. I need my friends too. It's a tough spot, and in my situation its difficult to avoid being angry and upset about the world in general.

So hopefully all of this is over sooner rather than later. Not sure if I can handle to much more of this mental stress. It's beginning to take it's toll.

Love to all.