So....this whole ordeal started about a month ago...and it's just escalated since then. I'm getting stress headaches like once a day....and I've barely had a day where everything just went smoothly.
David and I went on vacation in NY and NYC. The part where it was just David and myself was wonderful, but seeing my family for the first time in almost 4 years and dealing with those feelings was a bit of a mess. My Dad and Jean are pretty okay to deal with, though admittedly I was nervous about David meeting them (we grew up in two completely different environments). It would have been okay if it weren't for the problems with my sister--
I don't like my sister. I have very little respect for her and the person she has become and the choices she has made. Ever since we were younger she had my parents wrapped around her little finger and as they went through their separation she manipulated them against each other in order to get the attention she wanted among other things. The last time I visited NY she essentially told me she wished I'd never come to visit and that she was happier with me gone. She was actually mad because my visit took the attention away from her....it was horrible.
Well, my sister is actually younger than me and choosing to get married among other things and apparently she's just a mess, and my Dad and Jean are sitting there with myself and David at dinner pleading with me to talk to her, and to support her and help her fix her problems.
And I just sat there wanting to cry and trying my damndest not to. My sister is mentally abusive and the last few years of living in NY were absolute hell trying to deal with her. She has done nothing to ever make me want to be her friend or support structure and yet for years I tried. I did my best to shape her up, offer advice and steer her to a better path and yet she not only spurned me, she went out of her way to hurt me. I gave up.
At times its like my parents have never forgiven me for leaving NY when I was 16 and "running away" from the problems our family was going through at that point in time. I had been drowning there amidst the stress and emotions and hatred and dying to get free. So I did. The best choice I ever made. And yet I know, its probably my own inability to forgive myself that makes me feel guilt. Add that to my parents constantly using me as a mediator in their disputes and their own personal therapist....it's no wonder I have trouble dealing with them.
So....after a reprieve in NYC, it was back to California and the apprehension of my Mother coming to visit for a week. This was what I was truly worried about. My mother is severely co-dependent and often manic depressive. When things in her life are going well, she'll do okay, but when they are going wrong she's an absolute mess and I'm the one usually called to fix it. Luckily, she was at a good point and on her best behavior....but even so....it felt like a disaster.
I don't like spending time with my mom. I can't be the good daughter she wants to be. I don't want to hear all the stories about when I was little and when I did this and that and this and that. I have a hard time dealing with her and I know a big part of it is my fault. I'm too used to her using my to dump on that when things are going well I can't just enjoy it. So I went out of my way to do things for my mom while she was in town but still ended up feeling guilty as hell because I have such a hard time being in her presence for a long amount of time.
Way to be a horrible person, right?
And that damn guilt has lasted since she left mid August and now school has started. Work is not giving me enough hours to pay my bills, financial aid got cut BIG time and I'm having trouble getting money for school to compensate for lack of work.
My car is DYING. She's maybe got a month left in her before she kicks the bucket. She needs a whole bunch of work done thats more than she is worth. So now I need to find a new car and see about getting rid of this one for at least some money.
My permanent disability limit has been set....which in a sense is really beating at me. I have a permanent 25lb lifting restriction. PERMANENT. It's actually depressing me a little....okay...a lot. I had such high hopes for my shoulder, and while the surgery certainly did help, its no where near what it used to be. It pisses me off because if it had just been treated properly the first time the likely-hood that these complications wouldn't exist is about 90%. My shoulder could have just healed properly the first time. So now I'm stuck with a permanent disability of sorts that effecting my work a lot more than I thought it would. I can't do any of the special events that bring in extra money from their long hours and some other shifts that require no limitations. So even though I have higher seniority...I'm not allowed to do the work and lose out on the hours. It really fucking sucks.
At this point I realize I have no choice but to push forth with my back up plan to teach a lot sooner than I ever planned. My whole life has been rearranged because of this injury.
I'm guilt-ridden, frustrated, sore, broke, almost carless, pissed off and tired.
It's a hell of a combination. And I have homework to do.
Fuck.
Sio
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Life or something like it....
So....I'm posting again. It's been a while. I think a part of me is doing this because Nick told me to (ordered actually) and another part of me is doing this because maybe I've finally figured out what I want to say.
Except I still really don't know what to say. It's odd writing out something you know either no one or everyone will see. What do you disclose? What is too much? Will I write something that actually affects someone? Or will I just write some stupid prittle-prattle that drops my level of respect in the eyes of my peers ten-fold. All-in-all, it actually seems somewhat silly. And I know for a fact I'm over-thinking everything. The worst thing about the internet is of course that there's no such thing as privacy. What happens in real life--end up on youtube.com. Or facebook, blogspot, myspace, etc.
So really there's no safe haven to write about the way I feel or the way things effect me, unless its a tucked away paper journal somewhere in my house that hoards my thoughts hopes and dreams and fears in the safety of paper and ink. Let's face it, even your computer can get hacked so that's not really safe either. Shit...paper can get stolen, scanned and reposted everywhere...soooooo...really just suck it up, keep it inside and prey not to explode???
There's a lot going on in my life. David and I have almost made it to the two year mark, and will surpass it at the end of this month. We're spending our anniversary in NY and NYC and he gets to meet my parents for the first time. I'm actually nervous as hell. My family can be...overwhelming at best. Perhaps, suicide-inducing at the worst. I figure if we make it through this summer we may be okay.
But there are a lot of other changes to survive as well. I finally made a decision about school. I'm going to try applying to the MA/PhD program at UCI for my PhD in Theatre History. A lot of thought went into this decision. It's 5 more years of schooling, but when I'm done I'll have my PhD before I'm 30 and be in a good position to begin teaching and actually be able to FIND a job by the time I'm done. I'm ridiculously nervous though. I may not get accepted, my area of study may not be what they are looking for, and I may not know where to go from there. I want to further study the development of theatre technology and theatre architecture throughout history. The uniqueness of the subject could either help or hinder my entrance into the program.
It's not just that though. I have to count on David being able to be okay with me being in school for that much longer. My being in school hasn't been easy on him. I'm not home often, I'm stressed out, money is tight, housework is hard to keep up with on 3 hrs of sleep with 10 hours of homework left to do. I'm deeply terrified he may not be able to handle it. Yet it's a risk I have to take, for me, and hope for the best--believing that what we have is as strong as I believe it to be, and that this is one more trial in life we can overcome.
It's a lot to consider.
Other than that, just trying to make it one day at a time. Turns out I'm just as socially awkward as ever. You know Elliot from Scrubs? I feel like her. She's pretty and has potential, but amazingly socially backward. She's on the outside looking in, praying to be including, wanting to find a place among the people she would like to think of as friends, and yet she doesn't quite fit in. Of course, in TV land, even while she's still socially awkward and at odds with the world in general, she finds a place for herself among the group of people, becoming an endearing, well loved member of the group, even if she is still occasionally a little odd. That's me. Only, I don't think I've found a place yet. And the more I try, the more I feel set back, and less inclined I am to believe it's worth the effort anymore. And so I figure maybe I'll just stop trying at all, and see what happens.
I don't want to be needy, annoying or a burden. I just want a family among my friends. I want people I can count on for a night out or a weekend out of town. I want people I can call on when I just need some friends. Mostly, I just want friends who remember me when a party is thrown, when a meeting has been called for drinks and beer, and when impromptu trips are planned I would love an invite, even when I can't go. I want to feel like part of the family. And maybe I'm just not there yet. I don't know. Maybe it just needs to stop being important to me, it stops needing to matter, and maybe then it will just happen on it's own.
I don't know. I always though it was important to make time for my friends, no matter how busy I was, but maybe it's time to just focus on other things and let all the cards fall where they may.
I love my friends. I invite them to dinner, drinks, movies, and trips. I want to share experiences with them and support them when they need it. And I really just want a little of the same.
So for now, I'm just not going to expect anything from anyone but myself (and maybe David since he's a different story). This way I can just enjoy the pleasant surprises, if they happened, when they come and not sit around waiting for them.
And who knows if this actually made any sense. I don't even know why any of this matters. This post was not meant to point fingers or be mean, but obviously it will be misconstrued and insulting to others at their own will. Or maybe I'll be surprised and it will just be what it is, a venting of frustration and a pondering of thoughts. That's really all it is. I'm frustrated and a little upset by things were most likely never meant to get to me. That's just life. We misunderstand, we analyze, pick apart, drive ourselves crazy, learn from our mistakes and then get over it.
Consider this me getting over it. I know, probably a lot more than you asked for Nick, but probably also why I haven't written in the longest time.
Hope everyone else is holding it all together.
Except I still really don't know what to say. It's odd writing out something you know either no one or everyone will see. What do you disclose? What is too much? Will I write something that actually affects someone? Or will I just write some stupid prittle-prattle that drops my level of respect in the eyes of my peers ten-fold. All-in-all, it actually seems somewhat silly. And I know for a fact I'm over-thinking everything. The worst thing about the internet is of course that there's no such thing as privacy. What happens in real life--end up on youtube.com. Or facebook, blogspot, myspace, etc.
So really there's no safe haven to write about the way I feel or the way things effect me, unless its a tucked away paper journal somewhere in my house that hoards my thoughts hopes and dreams and fears in the safety of paper and ink. Let's face it, even your computer can get hacked so that's not really safe either. Shit...paper can get stolen, scanned and reposted everywhere...soooooo...really just suck it up, keep it inside and prey not to explode???
There's a lot going on in my life. David and I have almost made it to the two year mark, and will surpass it at the end of this month. We're spending our anniversary in NY and NYC and he gets to meet my parents for the first time. I'm actually nervous as hell. My family can be...overwhelming at best. Perhaps, suicide-inducing at the worst. I figure if we make it through this summer we may be okay.
But there are a lot of other changes to survive as well. I finally made a decision about school. I'm going to try applying to the MA/PhD program at UCI for my PhD in Theatre History. A lot of thought went into this decision. It's 5 more years of schooling, but when I'm done I'll have my PhD before I'm 30 and be in a good position to begin teaching and actually be able to FIND a job by the time I'm done. I'm ridiculously nervous though. I may not get accepted, my area of study may not be what they are looking for, and I may not know where to go from there. I want to further study the development of theatre technology and theatre architecture throughout history. The uniqueness of the subject could either help or hinder my entrance into the program.
It's not just that though. I have to count on David being able to be okay with me being in school for that much longer. My being in school hasn't been easy on him. I'm not home often, I'm stressed out, money is tight, housework is hard to keep up with on 3 hrs of sleep with 10 hours of homework left to do. I'm deeply terrified he may not be able to handle it. Yet it's a risk I have to take, for me, and hope for the best--believing that what we have is as strong as I believe it to be, and that this is one more trial in life we can overcome.
It's a lot to consider.
Other than that, just trying to make it one day at a time. Turns out I'm just as socially awkward as ever. You know Elliot from Scrubs? I feel like her. She's pretty and has potential, but amazingly socially backward. She's on the outside looking in, praying to be including, wanting to find a place among the people she would like to think of as friends, and yet she doesn't quite fit in. Of course, in TV land, even while she's still socially awkward and at odds with the world in general, she finds a place for herself among the group of people, becoming an endearing, well loved member of the group, even if she is still occasionally a little odd. That's me. Only, I don't think I've found a place yet. And the more I try, the more I feel set back, and less inclined I am to believe it's worth the effort anymore. And so I figure maybe I'll just stop trying at all, and see what happens.
I don't want to be needy, annoying or a burden. I just want a family among my friends. I want people I can count on for a night out or a weekend out of town. I want people I can call on when I just need some friends. Mostly, I just want friends who remember me when a party is thrown, when a meeting has been called for drinks and beer, and when impromptu trips are planned I would love an invite, even when I can't go. I want to feel like part of the family. And maybe I'm just not there yet. I don't know. Maybe it just needs to stop being important to me, it stops needing to matter, and maybe then it will just happen on it's own.
I don't know. I always though it was important to make time for my friends, no matter how busy I was, but maybe it's time to just focus on other things and let all the cards fall where they may.
I love my friends. I invite them to dinner, drinks, movies, and trips. I want to share experiences with them and support them when they need it. And I really just want a little of the same.
So for now, I'm just not going to expect anything from anyone but myself (and maybe David since he's a different story). This way I can just enjoy the pleasant surprises, if they happened, when they come and not sit around waiting for them.
And who knows if this actually made any sense. I don't even know why any of this matters. This post was not meant to point fingers or be mean, but obviously it will be misconstrued and insulting to others at their own will. Or maybe I'll be surprised and it will just be what it is, a venting of frustration and a pondering of thoughts. That's really all it is. I'm frustrated and a little upset by things were most likely never meant to get to me. That's just life. We misunderstand, we analyze, pick apart, drive ourselves crazy, learn from our mistakes and then get over it.
Consider this me getting over it. I know, probably a lot more than you asked for Nick, but probably also why I haven't written in the longest time.
Hope everyone else is holding it all together.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Prince Caspian and No...I haven't dropped off the face of the earth...sometimes I just wish I had
So...went with Beth to see Prince Caspian after our dinner date tonight. Holy fucking shit WOW. It was amazing, and beautiful, and so poetically metaphoric and symbolic that Beth and I sent most of the ride back to her house comparing our views on the symbolic parts of the movie (okay, so like...all of it). It was amazingly done and even better than the first one which is impressive considering how awesome the first one was. I'd get more into it but I'm tired as hell after just getting home. Rereading all of those books....starting tomorrow after I read Twilight because Beth told me too.
Other than that, Finals are finally done. They actually almost killed me this semester between final projects, final exams, asshole teachers and additional stuff. Add in to that physical therapy and going back to work but not being allowed to go back to work and I've been pretty fucking miserable. I've been stressed, tired, cranky, depressed and all together emotionally and mentally worn out. Work is lowballing me left and right (I actually had it out with one of the managers, now one of our departments, but one of them) and it has been all I could do to keep it together...just barely...if at all.
The puppy we fostered was returned to us after a week when they decided they couldn't handle a puppy. It's just been really difficult. I REALLY love this dog. It was hard enough giving her away in the first place, and now I have to do it all over again. But David's not ready for another dog and nothing I do or say can reassure him that we'd be fine. We have completely different outlooks on the whole things and its actually killing me inside a little. My heart is breaking with her having to part with her again. She fits in so well here. But if I force David to keep the dog he'll just be angry and unhappy and waiting for it all to fall apart. I don't want him to resent her or a choice we'd make like this. So I have to let her go again and its ripping my damn heart out. And it sucks even more because there's nothing I can do about it. But this is me of course, so I do the right thing and find her a great home and let her go and everything is fine. Just fine.
I really need a vacation, a few thousand dollars and break.
Saw the Dresden Dolls again in concert Wednesday. FUCKING AMAZING. The cheapest show we'll pay to go see all year and probably the best show we'll see as well. This was even better than the last time we saw them in concert. I swear, I'm going to buy tickets every time they're in LA. Its always worth it. I think other than dinner and a movie with Beth its been the one bright spot this week.
Life kinda really sucks right now. I'm hoping it can only get better, but it might be easier to believe if it would stop kicking me when I'm down.
Oh yeah, CS Lewis is a fucking genius.
Seriously.
Sio
Other than that, Finals are finally done. They actually almost killed me this semester between final projects, final exams, asshole teachers and additional stuff. Add in to that physical therapy and going back to work but not being allowed to go back to work and I've been pretty fucking miserable. I've been stressed, tired, cranky, depressed and all together emotionally and mentally worn out. Work is lowballing me left and right (I actually had it out with one of the managers, now one of our departments, but one of them) and it has been all I could do to keep it together...just barely...if at all.
The puppy we fostered was returned to us after a week when they decided they couldn't handle a puppy. It's just been really difficult. I REALLY love this dog. It was hard enough giving her away in the first place, and now I have to do it all over again. But David's not ready for another dog and nothing I do or say can reassure him that we'd be fine. We have completely different outlooks on the whole things and its actually killing me inside a little. My heart is breaking with her having to part with her again. She fits in so well here. But if I force David to keep the dog he'll just be angry and unhappy and waiting for it all to fall apart. I don't want him to resent her or a choice we'd make like this. So I have to let her go again and its ripping my damn heart out. And it sucks even more because there's nothing I can do about it. But this is me of course, so I do the right thing and find her a great home and let her go and everything is fine. Just fine.
I really need a vacation, a few thousand dollars and break.
Saw the Dresden Dolls again in concert Wednesday. FUCKING AMAZING. The cheapest show we'll pay to go see all year and probably the best show we'll see as well. This was even better than the last time we saw them in concert. I swear, I'm going to buy tickets every time they're in LA. Its always worth it. I think other than dinner and a movie with Beth its been the one bright spot this week.
Life kinda really sucks right now. I'm hoping it can only get better, but it might be easier to believe if it would stop kicking me when I'm down.
Oh yeah, CS Lewis is a fucking genius.
Seriously.
Sio
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The first day of a whole week and it already seems to long...
So this is a little odd. I don't consider myself to be an overly co-dependent person. I have my moments, but I often like being alone and most times, too much time with the same person will drive me absolutely CRAZY to the point where it can be damaging to the relationship O.o. But I love living with David. I love coming home to him, love cooking dinner for us, and squeezing in those precious moments where we're actually home at the same time and don't have to spend it all working on other things.
I love sharing a home and making it "ours." I love the fact that my puppy definitely considers herself to be "ours." I don't even mind the piles of laundry from constantly trying to keep up with it all.
So David is out of town for the week helping his brother move to Seattle from San Fran. He left this morning at 830 and the pup has literally been moping ALL day because she say him walk out the door with luggage (she's smarter than she looks) and I can't even say I blame her. I'm used to going days without seeing him because our schedules can make it almost impossible, but I'm not used to him not coming home at all. Even if I don't see him, I at least usually know he's been home and now he's going to be gone for a week and I already miss him.
I'm as pathetic as the Dog O.o.
It's gonna be a long week.
Sio
I love sharing a home and making it "ours." I love the fact that my puppy definitely considers herself to be "ours." I don't even mind the piles of laundry from constantly trying to keep up with it all.
So David is out of town for the week helping his brother move to Seattle from San Fran. He left this morning at 830 and the pup has literally been moping ALL day because she say him walk out the door with luggage (she's smarter than she looks) and I can't even say I blame her. I'm used to going days without seeing him because our schedules can make it almost impossible, but I'm not used to him not coming home at all. Even if I don't see him, I at least usually know he's been home and now he's going to be gone for a week and I already miss him.
I'm as pathetic as the Dog O.o.
It's gonna be a long week.
Sio
Friday, March 7, 2008
Why Wednesday night was probably one of the WORST nights ever...
I'm sure many of you knew by now (though most of you probably ignore my blog...) that for David's V-day Present I bought tickets to the Foo Fighters (with Against Me! as one of the opening bands) at the Forum. We were totally stoked. I really wanted a gift that would express just how thankful I was for all the love and support David has offered me especially because the past months with my shoulder have NOT been the easiest. It was really important to me to get him a great gift, and this was IT. He'd always wanted to see them and I could offer it to him. I scraped together the $120 for the tickets, especially because this was during the time where my financial security was still up in the air thanks to current laws regarding temp. disability and the like.
But I did it. We had the tickets and David was uber excited.
We get there and see a picket line. We call a friend and ask what the hell is going on because we were completely unaware of anything. Turns out the IA is picketing the Forum. We're IA members. Can't cross a picket line. We were unsure on our standpoint for the whole thing. We were patrons, not workers, but still.
We WALKED AWAY FROM THE GOD DAMN CONCERT. $120 dollars down the tube, David's Valentine's Day present completely down the tubes. It was absolutely HORRIBLE. I was seriously crying my eyes out on the way home because this had been super important to me. I felt like the worst person in the world.
I'm still not quite over the guilt. I beat myself up over it pretty badly. But I'm feeling a bit better. Today I went for lunch with an old friend (yay!) and we had a great time, and on my way back I stopped at a wine and cheese store and was hit with inspiration. David was always jealous when I go to girl's night at Peter and Jeffrie's because we almost always have wine and cheese. So I spent over an hour there with one of the girls behind the counter picking out different kinds of cheese and a bottle of wine. I walked away with one goat, one sheep and one cow milk cheese, and a Brie.
So...Wednesday tanked...BIG time.
Turned out to be a good surprise, and the wine I picked was really good as well. I was glad just to make him smile =)
On another note, one of my shows at school opened. I was the ALD for Midsummer Night's Dream and its finally open and my work is done till strike, with the exception of occasional dimmer checks. I think it looks good and the lighting designer did a good job. I'm just glad the agony is over because my shoulder has been killing me. They have me on new meds I have to be really careful about for nerve and muscle pain because within a certain time period of taking them I get really loopy. Yay fun.
I'm having some severe problems with pain and the nerves in my arm, so they also gave me my own tens machine....yay
On a plus note. I have presale tickets to see EDDIE IZZARD 08-08-08 at the Kodak Theatre! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Sio
But I did it. We had the tickets and David was uber excited.
We get there and see a picket line. We call a friend and ask what the hell is going on because we were completely unaware of anything. Turns out the IA is picketing the Forum. We're IA members. Can't cross a picket line. We were unsure on our standpoint for the whole thing. We were patrons, not workers, but still.
We WALKED AWAY FROM THE GOD DAMN CONCERT. $120 dollars down the tube, David's Valentine's Day present completely down the tubes. It was absolutely HORRIBLE. I was seriously crying my eyes out on the way home because this had been super important to me. I felt like the worst person in the world.
I'm still not quite over the guilt. I beat myself up over it pretty badly. But I'm feeling a bit better. Today I went for lunch with an old friend (yay!) and we had a great time, and on my way back I stopped at a wine and cheese store and was hit with inspiration. David was always jealous when I go to girl's night at Peter and Jeffrie's because we almost always have wine and cheese. So I spent over an hour there with one of the girls behind the counter picking out different kinds of cheese and a bottle of wine. I walked away with one goat, one sheep and one cow milk cheese, and a Brie.
So...Wednesday tanked...BIG time.
Turned out to be a good surprise, and the wine I picked was really good as well. I was glad just to make him smile =)
On another note, one of my shows at school opened. I was the ALD for Midsummer Night's Dream and its finally open and my work is done till strike, with the exception of occasional dimmer checks. I think it looks good and the lighting designer did a good job. I'm just glad the agony is over because my shoulder has been killing me. They have me on new meds I have to be really careful about for nerve and muscle pain because within a certain time period of taking them I get really loopy. Yay fun.
I'm having some severe problems with pain and the nerves in my arm, so they also gave me my own tens machine....yay
On a plus note. I have presale tickets to see EDDIE IZZARD 08-08-08 at the Kodak Theatre! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Sio
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
First of all, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, whether you are single or not, you are loved. ^^
Second of all...yay Valentine's Day!
I woke up and David had left me a bouquet of roses on our kitchen table. He left out my present and card too, but all packaged up. Not that that stopped me from calling him laughing because I already had guessed what my present was (and I was right!)
It was the same expresso machine he told me would be a waste of money and counter space....brat. But he even got me expresso grounds and i am now experimenting with the process of latte making.....YUM.
I got David Foo Fighters tickets for March 5th....so....yay! Excited about that too. Also spent a little too much money at A Touch of Romance today.....whoops.
Also....if you have not seen Across The Universe yet, go buy it and watch it.....now. I actually got into a dorky fit and compiled all of the songs from the ATU soundtrack in their original form sung by the Beatles...exciting, for me at least =p.
I'm out for now, just wanted to wish everyone a happy V-day and lots of love.
Siobahnne
Second of all...yay Valentine's Day!
I woke up and David had left me a bouquet of roses on our kitchen table. He left out my present and card too, but all packaged up. Not that that stopped me from calling him laughing because I already had guessed what my present was (and I was right!)
It was the same expresso machine he told me would be a waste of money and counter space....brat. But he even got me expresso grounds and i am now experimenting with the process of latte making.....YUM.
I got David Foo Fighters tickets for March 5th....so....yay! Excited about that too. Also spent a little too much money at A Touch of Romance today.....whoops.
Also....if you have not seen Across The Universe yet, go buy it and watch it.....now. I actually got into a dorky fit and compiled all of the songs from the ATU soundtrack in their original form sung by the Beatles...exciting, for me at least =p.
I'm out for now, just wanted to wish everyone a happy V-day and lots of love.
Siobahnne
Saturday, February 9, 2008
New Ink!
It translates to "All ecstatic with love, the heavens are filled with laughter." It's from M. Butterfly and in turn from Madame Butterfly. One of the most beautiful phrases.
-Sio-
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